Origin Of The Internet

Origin Of The Internet:

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot."

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear? And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns (and drums in between the towns) to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply, telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And, indeed, he did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot said, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. And, as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!", said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com... and that is how it all began.

Horoscopes For Your Job Position

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the heck can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. Oh, and usually the first to be incarcerated.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: See above - Same sign, different title.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty cent cab ride from takin

You're A Coffee Addict If...

You Know You Are Addicted To Coffee If ....

You grind Your coffee beans in Your mouth.
You sleep with Your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time You're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of Yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out Your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when You sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take Your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use Your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with Your feet.
You can jump-start Your car without cables.
You don't sweat, You percolate.
You run twenty miles on Your treadmill before You realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching You.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of Your coffee mug on Your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help Your dog chase its tail.
You soak Your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when You're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

A Secretary's Rules For The Boss

"Rules Of Work"

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4 PM and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it is really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it is going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, do not open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, do not tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you do not like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, do not write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it is nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and then tell me what my goals should have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a token cost of living increase. I am not here for the money anyway.

Memo From Director:

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.


Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.


Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.


Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.


Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

Shorthand Computerese

BTW is By The Way,And Go Ahead is now GA;Laughing Out Loud is LOL,THTT, Too Hard To Tell.

In My Humble Opinion, IMHO,If you're not humble, IMO;God Only Knows is GOK,Thanks In Advance is TIA.

Be Right Back is BRB,Till Next Time is TNT;As Far As I Know, AFAIK,MMD is Make My Day.

On The Other Hand, OTOH,A =^..^= will give you Kitty Face;HaHa Only Kidding, HHOK.

Type :-) or :o) which will provideA Happy Face (it's on its side)Type 8-) or B-) for Glasses, too,If you've a Beard, a :-)> will do.

Type ;-) to add a Wink with Smile,Or :-( if Frowns are more your style;And now you know the ABC'sTo type Shorthand Computerese!

Ha...ha...ha...ha...!!!

PHRASES OF WISDOM

*If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

*Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

*Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

*Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

*If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

*My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

*Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

*It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

*For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

*If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

*Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

*A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

*Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

*Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

*No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

*A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

*Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

*Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

*Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

*There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

*Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

*By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

*Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

*Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

*Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.