Just To Make You Laugh!: July 2006

How To Catch A Fish!

As the saying goes:

Do not give a hungry person a fish...teach him how to catch a fish!!!

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Have a nice fishing day!

The Drunk

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

The Pastor and the Eggs

The elderly pastor was cleaning up his office one Friday morning. In the back of the office, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He showed his secretary the box to ask her about the box and its contents.

Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for the last 25 years. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?"

The secretary replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.

She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."

Adam's Rib

ADAM'S RIB

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Heaven - It's All Free

This is Heaven This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!

Tips For Being Handy

If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

What you may have been told by your mother, praying is helpful in home repair.

Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.

Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.

Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have "fixed" it.

Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

If something looks level, it is level.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, ........ then it isn't stupid.

What time is it?

A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.

The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old Jew doesn't answer.

"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"

The old Jew still doesn't answer.

"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"

The old Jew says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home.

You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

You Know You're Getting Older When..

You Know You're Getting Older When...

You Know You're Getting Older When...

Everything hurts; and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

Your mind makes contracts that your body can't meet.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 years ago today."

You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.

You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 106 around the golf course.

Your back goes out more than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.

The little old gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.

Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Home Remedies - Misc Info

Home Remedies - Misc Info

WARNING: the following are for humor only!

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Things to remember . . .

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Laws Of The Natural Universe

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to urinate.

LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF PROBABILITY: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

LAW OF THE TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

VARIATION LAW: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (Works every time!)

BATH THEOREM: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you're with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

MURPHY'S LAW OF LOCKERS: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

LAW OF DIRTY RUGS/CARPETS: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

LAW OF LOCATION: No matter where you go, there you are.

LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

BROWN'S LAW: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

OLIVER'S LAW: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

WILSON'S LAW: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

LAW OF REALITY: Murphy was an optimist.

Tips For Working Hard

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

Use computers to look busy - Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

Messy desk - Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

Voice Mail - Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

Looking Impatient and Annoyed - According to George Costanza of 'Seinfeld', one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

Appear to Work Late - Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g.9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.

Creative Sighing for Effect - Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed

Stacking Strategy - It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc... Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

Build Vocabulary - Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

* MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

Millionaire

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait, sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

The ABC's Of Aging

"A" is for apple, and "B" is for Boat,
that used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
but let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

Skin Graft

A married couple was in a terrible car accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they could not graft any skin from her body because she was so slim.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. Husband and the wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested the doctor also honored their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before. All her girlfriends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty. One day she was alone with her husband and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said,

"Dear, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need everytime I see your mother kiss your cheek."

Punctuation Again

Punctuation Again!

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:

"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Just To Make You Laugh!

Monday, July 31, 2006

How To Catch A Fish!

Saturday, July 29, 2006