SPECIAL PRAYERS

Father, in the Name of Jesus, bless me while I'm reading this and open doors in our lives today, Save and set us free!

Give us a double portion of your Spirit as we take back everything that the devil has stolen:

> ****Emotional Health
> ****Physical Health
> ****Finances
> ****Relationships
> ****Children
> ****Jobs
> ****Homes
> ****Marriages

I cancel every plot, plan and scheme the enemy has devised against us in the NAME OF JESUS.

And I declare:
NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST US WILL PROSPER. I speak LIFE into every dead situation. And, I thank you that nothing is over until YOU say it's over! Speak prophetically into our lives and to our situations:

> ****our households are blessed;
> **** our health is blessed;
> **** our marriages are blessed;
> **** our finances are blessed;
> **** our relationships are blessed;
> **** our businesses are blessed;
> **** our jobs are blessed;
> **** our children are blessed;
> **** our grandchildren are blessed;
> **** our parents are blessed;
> **** our siblings are blessed;
> **** our ministries are blessed;
> **** our decisions are blessed;
> **** our friends are blessed.

Mortgages are paid and debts canceled; our hearts' desires are on the way;

According to YOUR perfect will and plan for our lives.

YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORSAKE US! IN JESUS' NAME!

AMEN!

Just To Make You Laugh! (04-28-09)

WORK VIRUS

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload- Recreational- Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.

Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating- Neutralizer- Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer -Elimination- Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been INFECTED...!

Prostitute Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"'

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will also learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Jack. Our prayers have been answered!"

Tawa Naman Tayo!!!

Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?"Applicant: " The company relocated and they did nottell me where!"
__________________________________________________

Bisaya 1: " Gara ng kutsi, siguro kay Miyur iyan."!
Bisaya 2: " Dili bay!"Bisaya 1: " Kay Hipi?"
Bisaya 2: " Tuntu ka man. Kay FATHER iyan. Gisulatniya sa likud o, "'SAFARI'." _______________________________________________________________

Misis: " Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa mister kokasi dinala niya ang limang anak namin."
Radio Host: " Ok, go ahead!"Misis: " Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata, isa lang naman ang sa iyo diyan!"
_______________________________________________________________

Hello! Heto na naman ako. Gulung-gulo ulit ang isipko. May nais lang sana akong itanong sa inyo. Alamko matutulungan niyo ako Ang BIRDS FLU ba ay pasttense ng BIRDS FLY? _______________________________________________________________

Nakasakay ka sa FX, ng ikaw ay mautot. Buti na lang malakas ang tugtog. Bawat pag-utot, sabay sa tugtog. Nang ikaw ay bumaba, ang sasama ng tingin nila saiyo, bigla mong naalala...naka Walkman ka pala!
______________________________________________________________

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL", kaya ito uwi agad ako. _______________________________________________________________

Lasing (takot): may multo sa banyo natin!
Wife: ha? Bakit?
Lasing: kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag papasok ako ng! banyo eh.
Wife: punyeta ka! ikaw pala umiihi sa ref!
_______________________________________________________________

1st night lola wore see thru dress, lolo didn't react...
2nd night lola wore t-back, lolo still deadma...
3rd night lola all naked, lolo said "anu yan suot mo, gusot-gusot!!" _______________________________________________________________

AMO: sagutin mo ang telepon inday!
INDAY: (baligtad ang hawak) hilo? hilo?
AMO: baligtarin mo!
INDAY: lohi? lohi?
AMO: telepon ang baligtarin mo!
INDAY: Puntili, puntili
_______________________________________________________________

Juan: bday ng asawa ko
Pedro: ano regalo mo?
Juan: tinanong ko k ung ano gusto niya.
Pedro: ano naman sinabi?
Juan: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND.
Pedro: ano binigay mo?
Juan: Baraha.
________________________________________________________________

Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili na ko ng hearing aid. Grabe! ang linaw na ng pandinig ko!
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang
________________________________________________________________

Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not true! My dad sez we are descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!
________________________________________________________________
Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. maaga pa akonggigising bukas, buti ikaw hindi na.
________________________________________________________________
KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yungpapatayin natin?"
KRIMINAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayodito wala parin siya!Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya."

DON'T SHOOT...I GIVE UP!!!

How To Catch A Fish!

As the saying goes:

Do not give a hungry person a fish...teach him how to catch a fish!!!

Have a nice fishing day!

The Drunk

The Drunk

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

The Pastor and the Eggs

The Pastor and the Eggs

The elderly pastor was cleaning up his office one Friday morning. In the back of the office, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He showed his secretary the box to ask her about the box and its contents.

Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for the last 25 years. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?"

The secretary replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.

She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbours for $1."

Adam's Rib

ADAM'S RIB

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Heaven - It's All Free

  

Heaven - It's All Free

This is Heaven This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!

Tips For Being Handy

Tips For Being Handy

If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.


Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.


What you may have been told by your mother, praying is helpful in home repair.


Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.


If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.


Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.


Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have "fixed" it.


Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.


If something looks level, it is level.


If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.


Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, ........ then it isn't stupid.

What time is it?

What time is it?

A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.

The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old Jew doesn't answer.

"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"

The old Jew still doesn't answer.

"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"

The old Jew says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home.

You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

You Know You're Getting Older When..

You Know You're Getting Older When...

You Know You're Getting Older When...


Everything hurts; and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.


The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.


You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.


Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.


Your children begin to look middle aged.


You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.


Your mind makes contracts that your body can't meet.


You look forward to a dull evening.


Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 years ago today."


You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.


You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.


Your knees buckle and your belt won't.


You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.


You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 106 around the golf course.


Your back goes out more than you do.


A fortune teller offers to read your face.


Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.


The little old gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.


You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.


You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.


You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.

Parrot

Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Home Remedies - Misc Info

Home Remedies - Misc Info

WARNING: the following are for humor only!

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.


Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.


Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.


For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.


A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.


If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.


Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Things to remember . . .


You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.


If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.


And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Laws Of The Natural Universe

Laws Of The Natural Universe

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to urinate.


LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.


LAW OF PROBABILITY: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


LAW OF THE TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.


LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.


VARIATION LAW: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (Works every time!)


BATH THEOREM: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.


LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you're with someone you don't want to be seen with.


LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.


LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


THEATRE RULE: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.


LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.


MURPHY'S LAW OF LOCKERS: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.


LAW OF DIRTY RUGS/CARPETS: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.


LAW OF LOCATION: No matter where you go, there you are.


LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.


BROWN'S LAW: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.


OLIVER'S LAW: A closed mouth gathers no feet.


WILSON'S LAW: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.


LAW OF REALITY: Murphy was an optimist.

Tips For Working Hard

Tips For Working Hard

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.


Use computers to look busy - Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.


Messy desk - Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.


Voice Mail - Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.


Looking Impatient and Annoyed - According to George Costanza of 'Seinfeld', one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.


Appear to Work Late - Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g.9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.


Creative Sighing for Effect - Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed


Stacking Strategy - It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc... Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.


Build Vocabulary - Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

* MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

Millionaire

Millionaire

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait, sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

The ABC's Of Aging

The ABC's Of Aging

"A" is for apple, and "B" is for Boat,
that used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
but let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

Skin Graft

Skin Graft

A married couple was in a terrible car accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they could not graft any skin from her body because she was so slim.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. Husband and the wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested the doctor also honored their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before. All her girlfriends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty. One day she was alone with her husband and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said,

"Dear, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need everytime I see your mother kiss your cheek."

Punctuation Again

Punctuation Again!

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:

"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Origin Of The Internet

Origin Of The Internet:

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot."

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear? And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns (and drums in between the towns) to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply, telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And, indeed, he did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot said, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. And, as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!", said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com... and that is how it all began.

Horoscopes For Your Job Position

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the heck can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. Oh, and usually the first to be incarcerated.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: See above - Same sign, different title.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty cent cab ride from takin

You're A Coffee Addict If...

You Know You Are Addicted To Coffee If ....

You grind Your coffee beans in Your mouth.
You sleep with Your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time You're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of Yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out Your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when You sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take Your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use Your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with Your feet.
You can jump-start Your car without cables.
You don't sweat, You percolate.
You run twenty miles on Your treadmill before You realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching You.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of Your coffee mug on Your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help Your dog chase its tail.
You soak Your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when You're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

A Secretary's Rules For The Boss

"Rules Of Work"

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4 PM and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it is really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it is going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, do not open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, do not tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you do not like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, do not write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it is nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and then tell me what my goals should have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a token cost of living increase. I am not here for the money anyway.

Memo From Director:

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.


Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.


Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.


Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.


Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

Shorthand Computerese

BTW is By The Way,And Go Ahead is now GA;Laughing Out Loud is LOL,THTT, Too Hard To Tell.

In My Humble Opinion, IMHO,If you're not humble, IMO;God Only Knows is GOK,Thanks In Advance is TIA.

Be Right Back is BRB,Till Next Time is TNT;As Far As I Know, AFAIK,MMD is Make My Day.

On The Other Hand, OTOH,A =^..^= will give you Kitty Face;HaHa Only Kidding, HHOK.

Type :-) or :o) which will provideA Happy Face (it's on its side)Type 8-) or B-) for Glasses, too,If you've a Beard, a :-)> will do.

Type ;-) to add a Wink with Smile,Or :-( if Frowns are more your style;And now you know the ABC'sTo type Shorthand Computerese!

Ha...ha...ha...ha...!!!

PHRASES OF WISDOM

*If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

*Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

*Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

*Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

*If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

*My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

*Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

*It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

*For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

*If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

*Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

*A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

*Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

*Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

*No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

*A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

*Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

*Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

*Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

*There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

*Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

*By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

*Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

*Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

*Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.